Wednesday, May 28, 2014

It's All About Bullshit

Definitions of Bullshit

  • Term of disparagement and ridicule of (mainly) ideas and utterances. 

  • To try to persuade someone or make them admire you by saying things that are not true

  • The faeces (poop)of a bull.
bullshit photo: Bullshit 525.gif
An important detector that has a universal application.

Interview by Aimie Birdwhistle, editor of Woman's Monthly, with Professor Algernon Twithead, PhD, University of Lardberg, Birdsville, Canada. Professor Twithead is a biologist/zoologist who has made a lifelong study of bovine feces and methane emissions.

The Interview:
AB "Good morning Professor Twithead."

ATPhD "My friends just call me Twit for short. In fact many of enemies refer to me as a Twit too. Either way I am known as a Twit"

AB "That's very funny, but Twit how did your studies of cow faeces come about?"

ATPhD "My dad owned a farm for breeding bulls and as a young boy I worked at cleaning the barns which involved cleaning out a lot of bullshit."

AB "Then what?"

ATPhD  "I earned my way through school, including my undergraduate studies, at Lardberg U shoveling bullshit out of the barn. My classmates jokingly referred to me as a bullshitter. It made sense then that I decided to take bullshit seriously and undertake my PhD in bull faeces and methane emissions. It is an important aspect of environmental studies. Did you know that bovine gas emissions (farting) are a major environmental pollutant contributing to global warming?
These emissions are more damaging to the planet than CO2 from cars."

AB  "Wow!! I now know that I have to take bullshit more seriously. But is this true or are you bullshitting me?"

ATPhD "Its no bullshit."

AB "So I can now see that bullshit is a very important issue that influences all aspects of our life. The environment, the mainstream media, most politicians, even academia. The opinions of my Uncle Birt and Aunt Maud on almost any subject were mostly bullshit so I have been exposed to a lot of bullshit.  I now understand why you have made bullshit a lifetime study.  Bullshit is everywhere and not just under our feet."

ATPhD  "Yes it is a complex subject aside from science because one man's truth is another man's bullshit. For example I believe that Mr Harper, our Canadian Prime Minister is - to use a shortened phrase - full of shit. This applies to many other politicians throughout the world and you no doubt have your own long list." 

BT "I certainly do. I think everyone has a long list. My sister, for example, has a high turnover of boyfriends because she always ends up claiming that they have bullshitted her about their intentions."  

ATPhD "To sum up there are two aspects of bullshit of vital importance, one that will affect man's survival on this planet: and we can begin to do something about, and the other that is a reflection of human behaviour that is usually out of control.

 Man's Survival on this planet: Several factors contribute to the accumulation of methane gas in Earth’s atmosphere,but one contender stands out above the rest as particularly repugnant: Cow Farts!! They are having an increasingly damaging effect on climate change as people are eating more meat.

New Zealand New Zealand in 2003 considered measures such as introducing a fart tax and feeding garlic to cows to reduces their farting. Further study is needed to determine whether feeding garlic to cows will affect the taste of their milk. As for the fart tax it was rejected by the public and I'm not sure why. As you may be aware humans produce gases daily, sometimes to their embarrassment, but nowhere near the extent of these animals."

BT "I never realized before how important it is to think about farting and not just because of bullshit. What can scientists do about it? What ab out affixing a balloon to the backside of the cow and capturing the gas as fuel? "

ATPhD "cows belching produce only half the gas so it is only a half solution. As for affixing a balloon the quantity of gas emitted by a cow daily is enormous and the balloon ends up much bigger than the cow and it would look unsettling in the meadow to see herds of ballooned cattle. Like milking the balloon would have to be expelled daily.*A barn in Germany exploded this January after a static electric charge ignited a cloud of methane gas inside the barn, the Associated Press reports.The source of the methane? The barn’s cows, about 90 of them, “belching and farting”

BT "If your story about the barn blowing up isn't bullshit then it logically follows there is an abundant amount of energy that can be harnessed from bullshit if we can learn how to do it and it would be less costly and far less damaging to the environment than fracking. I'm all for bullshit. It might be a good idea to promote this on Fox News because they are expert bullshitters.

ATPhD " I am a man of science and it has been enlightening for me to discuss bullshit with an intelligent and I might say a very pretty woman like you who understands bullshit. Thank you for the time you have spent with me. Might you join me for a pleasant dinner?

BT "I accept and would be delighted to spend a romantic candlelight dinner with you, but can we avoid talking about bullshit?